(D)Urban Legends

It has taken a week to get to my blog. I’ve been mulling over what aspect of Durban to write about, and I remembered reading lists sent by email about things peculiar to South Africa. They made me laugh, and they rang true to the South African experience. I decided to make my own list typical of Durban but fairly ubiquitous throughout South Africa. Being in Durban means…..

•  If you’re catching a taxi to the Bluff and you hail it down by putting your index finger up, you will end up in the CBD.

• When you take a dip in the ocean (and you’re alone) you have to place your towel, shoes, keys and cell phone in a zip lock bag and tie it to your chest, ‘cause if you leave them on the beach, you’ll be without a towel to dry off on, no means of transport and no cell to call for help or money for the pay phone, and you will be walking home with burning feet!

• You can buy 4 chappies, a loaf of bread and some tik all at the same corner tearoom.

• You had to change the name of your restaurant from “Bistro on Cowey” to “Burgers on Problem Mhkize”.

• People can green up the neighbourhood by planting trees in the potholes on every street.

• Sink holes pop up even in the most affluent neighbourhoods, and people have nearly drowned in them (in their cars nogal)....not called sink holes for nothing.

• At robots, guys hand out fliers advertising the doctor who has cures for ailments that would make a warrior blush.

• Young ‘happening’ people drive their cars with the seat pushed right back, so they can lie down and steer with one arm that barely reaches the wheel, while they drink a Black Label.

• Real men marinade their steak in beer before throwing it on an open fire.

• You could get arrested for smoking within 5 metres of a restaurant but you can drive at 100 km per hour in a 60 km zone with your child standing (without a seat belt) on the front seat.

• Vuvuzelas may cause permanent hearing loss but they will only be banned if they are used as missiles at a match (this is a REAL FIFA rule, so do not throw your vuvuzela, you have been WARNED).
• Takkies dangling from an overhead power line are never just takkies dangling on an overhead power line.

• ‘Car guards’ who have never driven a vehicle get to show you how to reverse.

• The best bunnies in Durbs are not the fluffy kind.

• If you are one of three elephants made by Boetie (the international sculptor), then you can pretty much pack your trunks and waddle off penniless into the African sunset.

• “Walkie talkies” are not those little radios you lusted after as a child and “smilies” are not the little icon thingies you attach to your mail so your friends think you care. They are chicken feet and heads (walkie talkies) and are sheep heads “smilies”- you can buy them frozen or fresh on the side of the road).

• Music in said taxis rocks with the highest decibels that cause the lowest hearing in later life. Going deaf could be a greater problem that HIV.

• A “boom” used to be something you sat under for shade…now you can smoke it.

• On facebook, when you get poked it’s just silly fun, but in Durban you usually don’t live to tell the tale (Indian slang for stabbing.

• Eskom holds no power.

• You can have a “mother-in-law’s tongue” curry that will blow your socks off and singe parts of you for days on end.

• Seeing men peeing on walls is as common as seeing children under 10 begging in the traffic.

• Laughing at yourself with others is a genuine cure-all.
  

Durban is a place of contrasts, where spice and sweat and grime contrast with billowy days held together brightly by blue and white laced skies. Where people who have too much, flaunt their wealth, and those who have nothing, sleep in doorways. Where a warm ocean invites, and night streets threaten. Ja, this is my Durban, and sometimes it hurts like hell, and sometimes it’s just lukka.